I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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