from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
