So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
