Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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