Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
