I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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