I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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