Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.

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(508): my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter. http://tfl.nu/lkrq

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(479): View more from Arkansas

New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.

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(479): New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways. http://tfl.nu/3d1m

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(714): View more from California

He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings

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(714): He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings http://tfl.nu/vyv5

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(516): View more from New York

The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.

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(516): The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids. http://tfl.nu/z0hh

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(954): View more from Florida

I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"

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(954): I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies" http://tfl.nu/cnee

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(919): View more from North Carolina

he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

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(919): he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'. http://tfl.nu/h82o

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(205): View more from Alabama

the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.

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(205): the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome. http://tfl.nu/nwqx

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(970): View more from Colorado

went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out

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(970): went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out http://tfl.nu/unz9

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(507): View more from Minnesota

i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.

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(507): i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined. http://tfl.nu/05lw

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(630): View more from Illinois

Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard

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(630): Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard http://tfl.nu/pb8h

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(540): View more from Virginia

I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.

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(540): I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that. http://tfl.nu/0566

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(281): View more from Texas

I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts

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(281): I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts http://tfl.nu/b2dg

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out

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(715): Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out http://tfl.nu/7lpk

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(517): View more from Michigan

I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.

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(517): I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard. http://tfl.nu/4gv4

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(810): View more from Michigan

In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way

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(810): In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way http://tfl.nu/x340

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