Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.