why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
PS: I just woke up from my shower
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
