if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
