I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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