Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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