Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
