She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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