You just made me feel so damn special
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
