So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
