one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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