You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
