Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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