you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
