Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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