i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Vodka?
Forever.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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