Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize