Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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