Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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