I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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