Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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