Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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