Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize