I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
