I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
