I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
