I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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