Only a mothe r could love this liver
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
