If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
