My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Randomize
