I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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