And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
