I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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