Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
