That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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