I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
