Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
