Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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