im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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