Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Blood and glitter go together right?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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