I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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