I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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