Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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