Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't deserve a penis
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
