Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
