Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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