If that was your dad, he is hot
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Randomize
