My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
