dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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