i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
