dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
