I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
