Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
