Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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