my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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