I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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