her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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