Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
