omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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