I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
